Wednesday, November 21, 2007


OK so this is how it is and yes you may think I'm being rude or mean but that's your problem. This is MY blog. Not anyone elses. My thoughts, my opinions, my LIFE! If you disagree, that's your right. You will not however come onto my blog and leave ugly comments. I don't agree with everything I read on blogs but that doesn't mean I'm rude to the writer of that blog. If you have problem with something I have written by all means you may let me know. There are ways to be polite and get your point across. If you don't like what I have written you can also just NOT READ my blog! Plain and simple. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it!

Now if you are regular reader, I apologize for my outburst so to speak but I had someone be ugly in the comments of one of my posts. The worst part is that they did so anonymously so they didn't have to deal with my reply back. Not that I would have been ugly but I'm tired of people thinking they can do whatever they want to whomever they want. Thanks, Denise

Monday, November 19, 2007

Ugh.... Mondays!!!

This weekend my wonderful 14 month old, Jaxon, learned to give Mommy kisses. The only place he'll give kisses is on the mouth. I'm not exactly sure why but I was excited that he wanted to give me kisses so I just went with it! Unfortunately that's not all Jaxon gave Mommy this weekend. Those wonderful kisses came with a not so wonderful cold! That's right! Runny and stuffy nose depending on the minute, congestion and a sore throat and cough. So I cleaned my house this weekend and didn't do much else. Especially since I didn't feel good at all.

Yesterday all I did was be a bum, watch tv with my kiddos, supervised Brennan making banana pudding for the first time ever (pictures to follow shortly) and played a couple games of sorry with him that I did not win! Brennan was pretty proud of these victories. So last night while waiting for my darling husband to get off work I made my babies a delicious meal of chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, and peas and carrots! Not too bad I thought to myself! I was playing canasta online with my cousin Krystal and she told me that she was having croissants. This of course made me want some! So half way through my babies meal I made croissants. Brennan ADORES croissants.... So I told him that after he ate all of his dinner he would be able to have one. Now I may be the only mommy here who feels like I shouldn't have to supervise my 6 year old eating dinner every single night. Yes we have family meals but last night was casual since Ian was at work! Brennan came and told me that he ate all his dinner and could he please have a croissant. Well of course I gave him two! He ate all his dinner including his vegetables (his plate was in the sink and it was clean!) so I was happy to oblige. So a little while later Jaxon finishes eating and he is just a mess. Complete mess. He only had a diaper on since he has a yeast infection and Mommy has been giving him nakie baby time so his little bottom will heal. So before dinner I put a diaper on him so that he wouldn't potty in his high chair. But that's another story. Anyway so he's a mess and I need to put him in the tub. So I go into the bathroom to run his bath water and what do I see???? Oh yes you guessed it. There in and all around the bathroom trash can was my 6 year olds dinner. Angry was not even the word for what I was. I started the bath water and I walked into the living room and as calmly as I could told Brennan to go clean his room and brush his teeth. He said why? I said because you lied to mommy and since I'm too angry to spank you right now, you are going to get ready for bed and you will be going to bed right after your bath! He was not happy about this and it was only 6:30 but seriously I was just ready to box him up and send him to my moms! (Not really but you know!) And he did just that, went to bed at 6:50 last night.

So after Jaxon played for a while in the bath and I got him all dressed and ready for bed, I tucked him in also. Ian came home and I made the two of us pork chop salad for dinner. YUM!

Apparently Jaxon woke up at 4:00 am this morning, screaming. I was so exhausted I didn't hear him like I usually do. Ian did and got up with him. Now typically I get up with him whenever he wakes up in the middle of the night, change him, give him a sip of water, and tuck his bum back in bed. Ian however did not do this. Ian got up with him and stayed up. So at 6:30 I had a little baby boy playing with things on my night stand since Ian was getting ready to go to PT. I get up and put him back to bed. He shouldn't have been allowed up and playing at that hour anyway! I walk back into the bedroom and Ian fusses at me for putting him back in bed. He says just get up with him! No I'm sorry I don't think so. So I went back to sleep. At 7 Brennan came in and woke me up. I told him to go watch cartoons. I went back to sleep. He woke me up again at 7:30 and I figured sleep for the sick mommy just wasn't gonna happen. So I got up and made his lunch, packed his book bag and made breakfast for Jaxon. It wasn't even close to time for him to go to school. UGH!!!!

Anyway so he eventually goes to school and I put Jaxon in his crib so I could shower. I had my appointment for my cystoscopy today. NOT FUN!!! I was nervous about it. Rachiell, on of my nearest and dearest, when with me and held my hand. After the procedure, we went into the office and discussed what was going to happen. The verdict is that I will have to something called a SPARK done. Now these letters stand for some seriously big words but basically I'm having surgery on my bladder.... in the next two weeks. The best part is that it will be an outpatient surgery and that it will take about 6 weeks to fully heal. During this time I'm not allowed to do any kind of exerting activities nor pick up anything heavy! UM hello I have a 14 month old and a husband with a job and a part time job, and NO family here in Utah. Not to mention my house will need to be cleaned cause I can't stand a dirty house and Brennan has school and other stuff going on.

So after that ordeal in the doctors office, Rachiell and I got Jaxon and went out to Mimi's Cafe for lunch! I LOVE this place. It's sooo yummy. It's so like a french cafe and it's soo cute. I was going to take a picture of it but I had my hands full so I will do it next time we go there.

I came home and gave J a nap and balanced my check book and paid my bills. Then it was time for me to pick up Brennan from school. So I get in the car and drive to the stupid car rider line. Now here's the thing. The school is not on the base but it backs up to the base. And there is a paved lot behind the school on the base that a guard mans during the times school lets in and out. Last year we were able to park in the middle of this lot and the people who just waited in their cars for their kids did so around the parking lot circle. This year they changed it. Now it is 3 lanes and you are not allowed to park in the circle. You drive into the lanes and park until school gets out. Rules are the kids go to the only opening in the gate and wait with a teacher until their car gets there. Parents are not allowed to get out of their cars. The last few weeks though have been crazy. Parents pull into the car rider line and park. They are in the middle of the circle somewhere and park their car and get out. The walk all the way to the front of the line where the kids are waiting get their kid and walk back to their cars. During this time the front of the line has left the circle and can you guess what happens??? Yep that's right! The line is backed up waiting for whoever to get their kid in the car, buckled up, and get back into the car themselves and pull away! I was quite frustrated today as the kids brought their fundraising stuff home today and my poor baby was carrying this huge box and standing in at that gate for 20 minutes while about 3 or 4 cars did this. Of course I couldn't break the rules and get out of my car and help him since I had Jaxon in the car and that would have just caused it to back up even more. So finally I'm sitting behind this last car that I watched her get out of her car as the people in front of her drove away. There was NO ONE in front of her yet she still got out and walked over to the kids. I'm like I'm going around. So I pull into the third lane and I stop dead in front of the gate where the kids are. I sit there and this teacher and Brennan walk up to the car. He tried to put my 6 year old in the FRONT seat. So I said no he has to get in the back in his booster seat. He cops an attitude with me and says as rude as he can be. Next time don't park in the third lane. It's for passing only! I was furious!!! I did not put my car in park, I did not turn the ignition off, I did not unbuckle my seat belt and get out.... but this jerk actually had the NERVE to be rude to me when all of these other parents were clearly and blatantly breaking the rules. So I get home and I immediately call the school and leave a voice mail for the principal. When Principal B called me back I told him how very unhappy I was with the situation and that there was NO reason for the ugliness that the teacher gave me. And that if they were going to have these rules then they needed to enforce them for ALL parents and the safety of the children not just be rude to one! He said he'd handle it. I expect that there will be some more security forces in the circle tomorrow as he said he was going to call the commander and ask that they have more there to enforce these rules they have set up. Personally it's a crock and I liked the way they had it last year. It wasn't so much chaos.

Anyway, my rant is over. Jaxon is screaming so I better go get him.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Flaunt It Friday~~ From the Desk of Denise....

So Flaunt It Friday was so much fun last week that we're doing it again! This weeks theme is From the Desk of.... Show your work space. So here is my work space.... it's a desk top computer and my desk is semi organized and I'm surrounded by the photos of my loved ones for inspiration. There is a Mug with my name on it that holds my pens from my senior year of high school~ It reminds me of how hard I worked. The pile to my left is Brennan's school work and library books. the pile to my right is Ian's military stuff and my good mail stuff. There is also duct tape because we had to tape the wheels of Jaxon's walk n ride toy until he gets the hang of standing with it (per his physical therapist.) There are some mcdonalds beanie baby toys I've had since I worked at McDonalds in high school. There's spiral notebooks everywhere since I like to make lists everyday. There's notecards, pads of paper, bible study dvd's, Brennan's vocabulary cards. My flylady calendar and pictures of my kids still in the packages. This is where I spend my time when my Jaxon is sleeping and Brennan is playing. It's in the living room so I try to keep it as neat as possible since you can see it when you are in my home. This is a little peak into my world both cyber and real... I wonder what you think it says about me? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think! :)

Also here is my challenge to you..... Head on over to TheMommyKelly and join us if you dare. Show us your work space..... It's fun getting to know people through how they live!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Wordless Wednesday~Best Friends~ The Denise's

Ok so it's not so wordless today! This is "The Denise's" as we're called! I'm the one in the grey shirt and she is the one in the blue. She is one of my best friends and I love her dearly. I usually share pics of my kids but I just thought I'd show one of my favorites of myself and Denise. :)

For more wordless wednesday check out 5 minutes for mom!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Some Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head and I thought it'd be a good idea to maybe try to get them out. I'm feeling a little stressed lately. Nothing like the depression I was in, just worrying about everyone I know. It's like people pop in my head and I start thinking about whatever situation they are in and how I can be there for them or what I can do to help. It's not just that either, I can't say no to people when they ask me to do things. I also can't seem to stand up for myself. Which is so odd because I never had a problem with this until I moved here to Utah. I've had some serious doubts regarding myself, my parenting, my friendships, my relationship with my husband and my family. The problem with this is I end up letting other people dictate what I do or what I say. This is very frustrating for me. Why am I so afraid to stand up for myself and put an end to people hurting me? Am I so afraid to be alone and have no one? This is all in my head since I know I have wonderful people in my life who are there no matter what. It's just that these few people who take sooo much, give so little, and question everything I do cause me to doubt myself. I want to be a better person. I want to have a heart like Jesus. I want to be able to serve and not hurt from it. I'm the type of person who even if you hurt me the worst and turn your back on me, if you need me I'm there. It doesn't seem to matter what they did to me either. This has happened all my life. There are things that happened when I was young I still struggle with daily. There is always this love hate thing going on inside me. I hold true to once I love you, I will love you always. Does that mean that I like the people that I love? Not always. I know that sounds like a contradiction but it's just so true. It feels like my heart is so hurt and every time it starts to heal someone else comes by and rips open again. It doesn't even have to be a little thing. I feel like I start all over with the progress I've made every time this happens. I want more than anything to heal all of this broken stuff inside me so I can be healthy and happy and be the best mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend I can be. I just don't know how. One day I'll figure it out. Everything happens for a reason. I just wish I knew what it was. If you've read this thank you for reading my ramblings. I just needed to get it out. :)

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Overwhelming Projects!

So this evening my husband, Ian, took Brennan (my 6 year old) to his first ever hockey game. Jaxon is sound asleep in his crib. And instead of resting peacefully, catching up on some television shows that have been taped for a week or two, what is Mommy doing? Well she started dusting the living room. Which led to moving the bookshelf out of the living room and into the bedroom. Which led to moving the bedroom furniture to make room for it. And of course if you move furniture you have to vacuum and sweep. So that led to reorganizing my file cabinet and my plastic three drawer thingy (I don't know what they are called.) Then I needed something to put all the construction paper and crayons in and remembered there was a plastic bin just right in the storage closet in the hall. So that's right you guessed it, I dragged everything out of the closet to find it. Now I have a dusted living room full of books, and a hallway and kitchen that is now filled with junk! My room is going to be dusted shortly so I can put all of the books away before I go to bed. I can't let Jaxon play in the living room with books everywhere. And of course in order to get into my bedroom I have clean up the mess that is the closet. And I am sitting here at the computer praying that if I just close my eyes real tight and reopen them slowly everything will be put away nice and neat and I can rest! So here we go...

Closing eyes real tight!

Now reopening them real slowly!

Crap! It didn't work! Oh well if anyone needs me I'll be in the mountain of stuff in the hallway. If no one hears from me for a few hours please call my husband and tell him to rescue me. Just tell him the storage closet ate me for dinner!

Flaunt It Friday~ Let The Cat Out Of The Bag

So the mommy kelly at Taken With A Grain Of Salt is hosting a brand new Meme of her very own creation. It's called Flaunt it Friday! The theme this week is let the cat out of the bag. She is interested in seeing what everyone carries around in their bags. It's turned out to be quite the expirement so far. Anyway, I'm a day late on this as I just couldn't get onto blogger yesterday but I still wanted to participate! So here are my bags and the mess that's in them!

I usually stuff all of that into the diaper bag because I hate to carry around more than one bag right now since I'm still carrying Jaxon everywhere. Here's the contents:

diapers, wipes, diaper changing pad, bibs, burp clothes, diaper trash bags, powder, diaper rash cream, infants tylenol and motrin, toys, paci's and paci holders, snack cups and various snacks, camera and camera bag, extra outfit for J, calendar, check book, wallet, Mary Kay pouch with lip gloss and lipstick, mascara, and eyeliner, satin lip balm, tampon holder, panty liners, cell phone, keys, military id card, hand sanitizer, pens and pencils, receipts, business cards...

There's a lot that isn't there too. Like my water bottle, two cups for J, more snacks, burp clothes, and a blanket. That's what I add to it daily. If I'm not taking J with me anywhere I put all my essentials into my purse. So there you have it! And yes I'm sure everyone is wondering how I get ALL that into that small bag! Verrrry carefully! Later!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Monday, November 5, 2007

Time Change Sucks!!!

As I sit here typing this little vent it is 6:46 am. And BOTH of my children are awake. Now granted I do have a doctors appointment at 9 but still before 7?? Seriously? UGH. They usually sleep until at least 7:30 or 8. I'm sooo tired. Anyway, I better go get a shower and try to wake up. I still have to install our big boy car seat before we go. Wish me luck. That thing rear facing in my tiny car actually kind of scares me! LOL. Anyway, off to take a hot shower and load up on caffeine. We have a busy day today. :)

Sunday, November 4, 2007

My Big Mouth

So I seem to have this problem with my big mouth. It can get me into a lot of trouble sometimes. Occasionally I will say things and think why did I say that? And pray that no one will take it the wrong way. Sometimes I speak before I think. I try really hard to be respectful of people and their feelings and if I'm saying something I know might be hurtful if it comes across wrong I try to explain what I'm trying to say. Unfortunately this doesn't alleviate this problem. Friday night I went to our squadron's social which was bunko. I LOVE this game. It's so much fun and I adore the ladies in our squadron. They are all wonderful people.

Let me give you a little background info. I have a hard time saying no to people. If someone asks me to do something I usually do it even if I really don't want to. Now there are a lot of things I say yes to because I really want to do them. Anyway, I wanted to take more responsibility in our squadron social group and I stepped up to the plate to do a few things like run the meals on wheels program, giving out baby gifts, treasurer of the group, and a few other things here and there. Then I was asked to become the Key Spouse of our squadron. I was so excited and honored to get this position. I still really want to do this. However some of the other things I've been doing I'm getting burnt out on. Not that they are hard but it seems like there is something new to do for the squadron daily, not to mention my key spouse duties. So at bunko Friday night I said that we were looking for someone to take one or two things off my plate because I was getting a little burnt out. Now I don't know that I said anything "wrong" exactly but I was told that I probably shouldn't have said that. It really started to bother me, thinking that I said something I shouldn't have. It's just that in truth, I'm sooo busy lately and it's wearing me down. It's not just stuff for the squadron. It's church stuff, Brennan's stuff, Jaxon's stuff, squadron stuff, stuff for friends, and then on top of it all Ian works a second job so he's not home a lot and then I try to add stuff in there for me once in a while. My time management really hasn't been the greatest lately. Usually I'm super organized and things run smoothly. However lately it's been all overwhelming and my housework is falling behind, friendships are falling behind, and I'm just plain old tired. So my big mouth might have gotten me into trouble. I really hope the ladies in the squadron don't think that I resent doing things for them. It's not that. I just really need to regroup and cut some things out so I'm not stressed out. There are things I can't cut out in my life like doctors appointments, jaxon's OT and PT appointments, Brennan's schoolwork, and church... But there are things like watching other peoples kids a lot and extra stuff here and there that just have to go for right now. Please pray for me. Pray that God will show me how to politely decline things so I don't let go of the wrong things. Thanks!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

My Baby Is Now A Big Boy!!!!

So, after much research, much debate, and consultation with friends and car seat technicians, we made a decision about taking Jaxon out of his infant carrier. We finally settled on the Cosco Scenera 5-point harness convertible car seat. I called Ian and asked him to stop and pick it up. It's very safe and sooooo reasonable. So Ian went and got it and brought it home. We wanted to try it out so Ian fixed the straps and we put him in it. He instantly looked soooo much older. We'll be putting it in the car tomorrow. Here are some pictures of him trying it out....

It's so sad. He doesn't even look like the same baby! He looks grown up. I know he needed a new car seat but it kills me that he's not in his infant seat anymore. Another milestone hit. He was so excited about his new big boy seat. I was too until we sat him in it. Then I wanted my baby back! He's so freakin' cute! But of course I'm biased. And one more thing before I sign off, for those of you that are super pro- car seat, we will be rear facing for a little while longer at least. It goes up to 35 lbs rear facing so we have a while to decide about switching him to forward facing. It wont be this month that's for sure! Here's to a safe affordable convertible car seat! Love it!!!

Just for fun here's the first time he was ever in his infant seat! Can you see a difference?

Updated Jaxon's Montage

November is National Prematurity Awareness Month

November is National Prematurity Awareness Month. That is a picture of my Jaxon in the NICU the day they took him there.

Here is his birth story along with some of his beginning stay at the NICU. I posted this on October 1, 2006 to Jaxon's carepage.

Jaxon Ryker Carpenter was born September 18, 2006 at 6:32 PM. He was born 6 weeks early. I started feeling bad on Saturday and spent the day lying in bed praying that it would stop. Sunday found us with no change in the pain but headed to the hospital. The nurse looked at me decided that I was having contractions and gave me a shot of Terbutaline to stop them. They eased up but they did not stop. So a second shot of the medication came and went with the contractions not easing up. They checked my cervix and since it wasn't changing sent me home. So I came home and went to bed. Monday came and with it the contractions were stronger and coming really close together. So back to the hospital we went. We got to Pioneer Valley Hospital at around noon. They hooked me up to the monitors and saw that I was in a lot of pain. They gave me a shot of the Terbutaline again along with a shot of Morphine and still they weren't stopping and the Morphine wasn't easing the pain. So an hour later they gave me another shot to stop the contractions and after they saw that wasn't working they checked me. My cervix hadn't exactly changed but it had shortened. So they made the decision to go ahead with my c-section that night at 6. About 15 minutes after they came to tell me that they were going to do the c-section I felt a small gush. I told the nurse that I thought my water broke and she looked and said I don’t think so. A few minutes later I felt another bigger gush and said Ok it really has broken. She checked again and sure enough my water had broken. At 6 they came in and did my epidural (it wasn't so bad) and wheeled me back to the waiting room. A few minutes later I was put on a table and strapped down and Ian came in looking pretty spiffy in his gown, hat, and booties. He sat down and held my hand and before I knew it they had begun. At 6:32 Jaxon came out screaming! I started crying immediately because his cry was beautiful. They held him over me for just a second so I could say hi and he was whisked away to be cleaned up and have his apgar test. His first score was 7 and the second was 9. Ian got some pictures and sat back beside me. They finished cleaning him up and they wrapped him up and gave him to Ian. He held him for me to kiss him and see him for just a minute and then they took him out of the OR. Ian stopped by my labor and delivery room so Brennan could get his first (and only so far) peek at his little brother. He fell in love immediately. After they were done with me they wheeled me back into the room to recover and then took me to my regular room for my stay. After several antsy hours I was finally allowed to get out of bed and into a wheel chair to be wheeled to the nursery to see my pumpkin. He was under a head box and doing ok at that point. I went back to my room to rest for the night. I didn't sleep very well because he wasn't in the room with me. I kept worrying about him. At 6 the next morning, the Pediatrician came in to tell me that he was having a hard time breathing and that she had made the decision to transport him to St. Marks NICU. She told the Life flight was prepping him for transport. What that meant was they were putting him on a ventilator and inserting umbilical lines into his umbilical cord as well as an IV. A little while later, the life flight team brought him into my room so I could say goodbye. Within the next few days Jaxon got very sick with pneumonia and ended up with two holes in his lung. He was put back on the ventilator and had two chest tubes put into the side of his chest. He was hooked up to several medications, two antibiotics, a sedative, fats, and IV fluids. He finally turned a corner this week, when they were able to clamp off one of his chest tubes and removed it the next day. Then that same afternoon they clamped off the second chest tube and he came off that the next day. They took him off the ventilator on September 28th. They placed him in a head box that had oxygen running through it constantly. By the end of the night they realized he needed a little extra help and put him on the SiPAP machine, which basically forces air into his lungs. He was on that for like two days. They have been slowly decreasing his sedative so he could finally wake up and move on to the next steps of his process. Yesterday, September 30th they finally started giving him breast milk through an NJ feeding tube that is inserted down his nose and into his stomach. They started out giving him 2 cc’s every 6 hours to see how he would tolerate it. The first feeding came back up the tube but the next few went very well. So well in fact that they started giving him up to 5 cc’s every three hours today. This morning he graduated to a nasal canula. I was so excited!!! I went to the hospital today and spent 2 ½ hours there and got to watch them feed him. I haven’t got to hold him yet and that’s pretty hard but we are making progress. He got to lie on his tummy today for the first time. He’s a little jaundiced and that’s why he has those very cool sunshades on. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers these last two weeks. It has been a long hard road already but we have finally turned a corner. It’s going to be a little while longer at least before Jaxon comes home so I will try my best to update this daily so you all know what’s going on. Thanks again, Denise and Ian.

I rember going to the NICU for the first time. I was so overwhelmed. He was in the Level 3 NICU. That was where they took the really sick babies. I was sooo scared and I just remember looking at his tiny little body and wondering if I'd ever get to hold him. That feeling sucked so much. I was allowed to touch him but they fussed at me for rubbing him at all. You weren't allowed to "stroke" their skin since it irritated preemies. He was hooked up to all these wires and you had to be so careful. There were days I'd go in and just sit there and cry as I stared at him, my arms aching to hold him. I even resented my husband a little since he had gotten to hold him for a few minutes when he was first born. It wasn't his fault I knew that but it was so hard. I can't believe that was over a year ago now. Especially with Jaxon crawling around and cruising furniture now. He's so much fun and such a joy.

My friend Nancy, mommy of a former 25 weeker, is doing something special for National Prematurity month. She is posting about preemies for the entire month. If you want to learn more or even read their incredible story, visit her at Miracles Happen!