Monday, November 12, 2007

Some Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head and I thought it'd be a good idea to maybe try to get them out. I'm feeling a little stressed lately. Nothing like the depression I was in, just worrying about everyone I know. It's like people pop in my head and I start thinking about whatever situation they are in and how I can be there for them or what I can do to help. It's not just that either, I can't say no to people when they ask me to do things. I also can't seem to stand up for myself. Which is so odd because I never had a problem with this until I moved here to Utah. I've had some serious doubts regarding myself, my parenting, my friendships, my relationship with my husband and my family. The problem with this is I end up letting other people dictate what I do or what I say. This is very frustrating for me. Why am I so afraid to stand up for myself and put an end to people hurting me? Am I so afraid to be alone and have no one? This is all in my head since I know I have wonderful people in my life who are there no matter what. It's just that these few people who take sooo much, give so little, and question everything I do cause me to doubt myself. I want to be a better person. I want to have a heart like Jesus. I want to be able to serve and not hurt from it. I'm the type of person who even if you hurt me the worst and turn your back on me, if you need me I'm there. It doesn't seem to matter what they did to me either. This has happened all my life. There are things that happened when I was young I still struggle with daily. There is always this love hate thing going on inside me. I hold true to once I love you, I will love you always. Does that mean that I like the people that I love? Not always. I know that sounds like a contradiction but it's just so true. It feels like my heart is so hurt and every time it starts to heal someone else comes by and rips open again. It doesn't even have to be a little thing. I feel like I start all over with the progress I've made every time this happens. I want more than anything to heal all of this broken stuff inside me so I can be healthy and happy and be the best mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend I can be. I just don't know how. One day I'll figure it out. Everything happens for a reason. I just wish I knew what it was. If you've read this thank you for reading my ramblings. I just needed to get it out. :)

4 comments:

Klin said...

Email me and I will send you my phone number. My email is on the Good Mail blog and I think on mine. I have some questions that will help give you better advice.

Sarah said...

It's kind-hearted people who feel the most my dear. It's a double edged sword that you were blessed with.

Hugs to you.

Wanna do lunch?

Melanie said...

I tend to be the same way as you are, so I totally understand where you are coming from.

Hope it helped to vent.

Quiskaeya said...

I can so relate to your post. It's as if I wrote it myself. You seem to have a very big heart and it's so true that people with the biggest hearts bruise easiest.

Like you I've had some disappointments from my childhood that I haven't fully resolved. I think when this happens, when we become adults we tend to either shy away from people to avoid being hurt or do everything we can to please people so as not to ruffle any feathers.

Everyday, I have to remind myself that I can't please everyone. The devil is a liar and will have us convinced that we can and that we just aren't working hard enough at it. But you and I both know that He loves us regardless if we fail and make mistake. We aren't perfect and the most important thing is that we try to be the best God created us to be.