Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Yada Yada Prayer Group Series

I have a love relationship with a set of books I started readinga few years ago. The Yada Yada Prayer Group! They are incredibly uplifting and although Christian fiction, they tackle some very tough subjects. I'm reading the 5th book in the series now. The Yada Yada Prayer Group Gets Caught. I love these books so much. I feel as though the Lord is speaking right to my heart through them. He's made me realize some things through the scriptures throughout the book and convicted me and touched my heart with situations in the books. It's been like this since the first time I opened the first book. These group of ladies - Jodi, Avis, Adele, Yo Yo, Ruth, Florida, Delores, Nony, Hoshi, Edesa, Chanda, and the newest addition Becky- relate to so much of myself. Their struggles, their thoughts. I feel as though they are part of me. Like they are my group of friends. I feel as though Netta Jackson reached in and took pieces of me (my personality) out and put them into these amazing women. I wonder how many others who have read the series feel this way.

One of the things that spoke to me throughout the entire series was the fact of on the spot prayer. In the moment. The Bible says (I'm paraphrasing here) that we should be in prayer constantly, never ceasing, and to not be anxious in anything but to take our worries to the Lord with thanksgiving. This hit me hard. I've been known to say I will pray and half the time I can honestly say that I do but not always. And I'm truly sad about that fact. But I need to keep myself in that constant conversation with the Lord and when I say I will pray I need to do it right then. Whether it be I feel I need to pray for something or if someone asks me to pray. I need to do it at that moment whether it's on the phone, in person, email, blog, myspace, or just walking through the grocery store and see a stressed out mom with a toddler screaming. I don't need to know what the need is or who the person is. That's what Our God is for. He's big enough for all of us. He's God All By Himself!

Last night while I was reading she brought up a verse in the first chapter of James. I had to look it up but it's James 1:5. It says "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to him." What a reminder! I don't believe I ask God what to do in all of my areas of life. It hit me hard and I realized I lack wisdom in so much. That I should always be seeking Gods purpose, not my own. What an amazing verse! It's just a gentle reminder to bring it to God.

Another thing that spoke to me was this: "...it's important to respect differences, that violence was never the way to solve problems, that "tolerance" didn't mean everybody had to agree about everything, that in fact "tolerance" was most important when you disagreed with someone."

WOW! Here she was talking about teachable moments and let me tell this was seriously one for me. This is something I've been struggling with for a while in my own life. Serious hurts can come from intolerance. And this sentence just spoke to me about a situation in heart right now. Someone I believe was a friend is no longer speaking to me because she disagreed with me. It's been very heavy on my heart. And this ONE sentence made me realize that it was simply intolerance and that BOTH of us was guilty of it. See what I mean about God speaking to me through these books. There are always teachable moments. God is definitely using anything HE can and wants to speak right to my heart. It's also a reminder of how very blessed we are to have such an amazing God.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

New Me for a New Year

Staying on the topic of New Years I did something drastic! My mommy came into town last Tuesday and we've had a blast so far. Yesterday was her 50th Birthday! So we went to the salon and got some new do's. I'm going to give some before and afters here.
We were across the salon from one another and had no idea the other decided to cut their hair off! I cut at least 6 full inches off of mine. Which is a lot considering. I also had my hair colored to a golden brown with some high lights at the front. I LOVE IT. My mom got blonde high lights and a very cute cut. NO our cuts are not the same. But I love them both. So happy 50th Birthday Momma! I love you. Hope you had a good birthday!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

New Start

Yesterday I felt as if the wind kept getting knocked out of me. I was told some things that have been said about me and they were awful and harsh. I recieved an email that on the outside might look like a nice email just pointing out a few things that was wrong with me. By the time I went to bed last night I was ready to give up. I was ready to believe the things said about me. I was ready to believe that I am in general the worst Mother, Wife, Friend, Person in the universe. But I also talked to a friend last night and she said NO DON'T! Those were her words. The words I kept hearing all night long. I felt as if she were telling me don't believe those things they aren't true. Don't give up. Don't let them win. And all she said was NO DON'T. I am not an awful person. I have an amazing heart and it's a heart on fire for God. It's a heart that is in love with her children and one that's willing to do anything to make her children's lives better. It's a heart that helps my friends in need, and loves unconditionally. It's a heart that no matter what was said or who said them it does not hate. It hurts and feels broken but it forgives. This heart is mine and I am proud of it. I am not a bad friend and I am always there for my friends in need or just to hang out. I am always there for my children and I take very good care of them. I am NOT unstable, too emotional, a liar, or any of the other things that are being said about me. I do not use my fibromyalgia as an excuse for anything. Yes I have chronic every day pain but I'm managing it and I get up every morning, clean my house, take care of my family and I do it all while being in constant pain. If you don't have fibromyalgia then you will never completely understand and if you think that it's just an excuse for anything or that it's not real I would love for you to walk in my shoes even for a day. You'd give them back in about 10 minutes. Trust me. Am I angry? Yes I believe I am. Am I hurt? To the very core. Am I willing to forgive? Yes absolutely. Am I ready to move on in my life? Absolutely. I'm closing a chapter in my life. I'm forgiving but I'm not going to do it anymore. I won't allow myself to be hurt by these people ever again. I know I'm a good mom, wife, and friend. No I am not perfect and I have many flaws and I make mistakes. But I'm ok with that. Truly I am. I can't believe what other people say. Today is a new day. A new start. Today is going to be busy but it's going to be nice. I'm going to see my Mom today for the first time in almost a year. I miss her and I'm so excited. She and I have had our ups and downs and truly things when I was growing up aren't great and they aren't great now but I am certain that my Mom loves me and that when I call her she's there for me. So I'm going to do my errands and go to my appointments and I'm going to do the things that need to get done but I'm also going to the airport to pick up my mom and then we are going out to Red Robin for dinner. It's going to be great! Thanks Lisa for the encouraging words last night. I will think to myself NO DON'T when I feel ready to give up or believe wrong things. Have a wonderful day everyone. I know I'm going to! :)

Monday, January 14, 2008

It Has Been An Interesting Start To The New Year

2008 was supposed to be way better than 2007. So far it's been a hard year. On New Years day I fell and sprained my knee and bruised myself completely arms and leg. Not a pretty sight. Then Ian and I have been trying to figure out to get our marriage back on track. Things have been very hard between us lately. A lot of fighting and frustration. It came to a head a couple days after New Years and I decided I was going to go back home. I just couldn't handle anymore. I went to my friends with my plan and they weren't as supportive as I'd hoped they'd be. Instead of being there for me they decided to find as many ways as they could of telling me how wrong I was. One even went as far as telling me that I wouldn't be able to handle being a single mom. I was too overly emotional. This eventually led to a huge blow up between the two of us. I mean how can you say that to someone? It crushed me to the core. She was also mad that she'd given me so much advice and I wasn't taking any of it. Well isn't that the point of advice for me to hear it and decide whether to take it or not. A few days later things started to even out for me. And Ian and I were still trying to figure things out. When during a conversation he tells me that he talked to this friend. That she asked him to come move a box for her and that when he got there they asked him to sit down. The other friend that I confided in about this situation was also present during this "talk." He didn't get a chance to tell me what was said due to the fact that he had to get to work but he did tell me that it had been a few days before I found out. I was furious! I mean what right did they have? And why didn't one of the three of them tell me about this conversation. I mean Ian could have and didn't. The friend who was there during the conversation had spent the previous day with me and didn't say a word and the person who constructed the whole conversation sure didn't tell me. I called the other friend who had been there and asked her to come by so we could talk. I told her that I'd found out about the conversation and that while I was upset about it (she immediately got defensive and started to raise her voice.) And well that's basically where we ended our conversation because she began to yell at me and I was so pissed off by this point that I started yelling back. She attacked my character and told me that she agreed with what the other friend said and then implied that my other friend (who had stuck by me through all of this mess) had also said she'd agreed with these two others. Well that friend also happened to be at my house at that time and I called her into the room and flat out asked her what had been said and she said the same thing she'd said the whole time and of course the one trying to stir the pot immediately back pedaled. She got mad that she got caught and began to scream again and finally asked for a book that I'd borrowed that I was in the middle of reading. Well that pissed me off even more and I said for her to take it and never come back and she stomped to my front door screaming mean things the whole way and I slammed the door in her face. She apparently then used profanities at the top of her voice outside my house and then left. I sat down in the middle of the floor and fell apart. I mean how could two people who were supposedly so close to me cause me so much pain? How could they believe such terrible things about me? How could they attack my character and my motherhood. How do you do that and say that you love and care about that person? What's worse is that I even started to believe the things these people said about me. And I sent an email the one that stormed out of my house and apologized for yelling at her and telling her to never come back. Do you think that she accepted my apology? Nope infact she threw it back in my face and said I'd betrayed her! I mean seriously you stick your nose into MY marriage and don't tell me and say horrible things about me including my character and my mothering and so much else and I betrayed YOU? I mean come on. Ian and I talked about it and his advice to me was screw them. Let's move on and live our life and try to focus on our marriage and our family because obviously they weren't true friends to begin with. I'm taking this to heart. I'm seriously going to move on. I figured I'd purge my frustration here and then I'd start new. Oh and another thing that happened was that I had an ingrown toenail and it got so infected that it hurt to walk. I had to have half my toenail cut out. It was gross and the tech that was in the room with me turned white and had to leave the room before he passed out. But I'm starting new. From today the rest of 2008 is going to be good. I'm going to make sure that it is. And if bad stuff happens I'm going to hand it over to God and let Him take care of it. Ian and I are actively trying to right our wrongs and get back to the two people who loved each other more than anything. My mommy is coming to visit tomorrow. I haven't seen her since April of last year and I miss her something awful. We are going to have a great visit and I'm going to enjoy my Mom's presence and watching her play with her grandkids and lavish in her amazing cooking. Things are definitely looking up! I'll keep you posted. :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Jaxon's First Snow Play~ Not So Wordless Wednesday

So if you live in Utah then you know that as I type we are getting pounded with snow. Usually when it snows here it snows one day and then within a few days it starts to melt. This year we have had many days of snow one on top of the other. It's caused quite a buildup in my yard. I'm from South Carolina and if you live there you know that it hardly ever snows and if it does it's a light mist and that's it. So this is the first major snow I've ever seen. It's causing me a little worry but I'm sure we'll be fine. The rest of you probably think this is nothing! LOL Anyway so I decided to take Jaxon out into the snow a few days ago to see what he thought. It was very interesting. :)

Here is Jaxon in his snow suit for the very first time!



















Putting his coat on! He's so not sure about this!
















All ready to go! I think!



















Jaxon in Brennan's inflatable disc for sledding... No he wasn't sledding he was in our front yard! Photo Op you know?















Here is Jaxon in the actual snow. As you can see he did not like it so much! It was um cold I think! He's definitely my child. I'm not a huge fan of snow either!
















This is my snow baby! Brennan LOVES snow!
This is the best picture I got that day. Jaxon just didn't like it. But he calmed down when Bubba held him. These boys are the reason my world goes round. :) So that is Jaxon's first time playing in the snow. Living in Utah this wont be the last. Maybe he'll like it better next time! A girl can hope!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Happy New Year

So for a while I've been trying to think of the typical new years post. You know the standard resolutions. And while I've thought of several resolutions I realized that one thing I haven't done is be consistent. That's right I start things and never finish them. I am not sure why I do this. I think I just overcommit myself to doing too much and just forget. I've decided that I'd really like to try to change this. They say a new habit sticks if you do it for 21 days straight. Do you think this will work for my overcommitted, procrastinating, inconsistent self? I hope so. There are several things I'd like to do this year. Not really resolutions just goals. I'd like to be able to get my house in order and feel like it is tidy for the most part all of the time. I'd like to go on a girls weekend with my girlfriends. I'd like to take a trip with my family somewhere and just have fun. I'd like to be able to say no to some things that I just don't think I can do. I'd like to read a book a month. I love to read and some times I just feel like there isn't time to read. Then I get stuck on a series and can't find time to finish them. So my goal is a book a month! Right now I'm reading the second book in the Twilight series. Amazing! I'd like to be consistent with my blog and keeping up with old friends as well as my new friends. I think I might also try the mommy and me yoga class at the gym here on base. My goal is to at least check it out! :) So there they are. My thoughts.

And just so everyone knows that the reason my New Years post is a day late is that I stupidly slipped on the ice and sprained my knee and bruised both arms and legs pretty good. I'm pretty sore but at least nothing is broken. Craziness I know. What can I say????