Monday, October 13, 2008

Do you ever wonder....

What your life would be like if you hadn't made some of the choices you made? I've had several of those moments. You know the ones, the fork in the road moments. And for the most part you take the one that will take you where you think you want to go. And once in a while you realize that maybe you didn't want to go there after all. I mean who wants to end up down a road with pot holes the size of the grand canyon and nails and debris. Yet somehow there is that day that you realize you've come out of that canyon on the other side and you find an ocean or field full of flowers and realize you may not have known where you were going nor did you want to go the way you got there but you wouldn't trade it for the world.
I've been having a few of those days lately. I've had such a hard time with life in general. I get so overwhelmed and I think why am I here? Why did I do this? Why did I move here? What made me think I could have two children? What made me think that I could be happily married? Or get out of debt, or have a best friend who is ALWAYS there for me no matter what, or even why did I think I could go back to school? Some days I think I'm superwoman and can do anything and most days do it better than someone else... but yet those other days have been more and more lately. The feelings of I'm not good enough, I'm not going to make it, I should give up. And that's when the anxiety comes in and I find myself in a pool of tears and almost a whole box of cookies and praying that someone will just take over for me even for a little while. But I'm praying and I'm holding on to the faith that this is God's plan for me. Even the anxiety and frustration is part of his plan. It's hard to let go of control and just trust, especially trust what you can't see. That's so hard for me. But I'm trying and I'm getting out of bed every day and I'm taking care of my kids, and my house (for the most part) and going to school and still keeping that 4.0 and I realize at this moment, I'm exactly where God wants me. I might be in that giant pot hole right now but pretty soon I know He is going to pull me out and there on the other side it's going to be amazing. I don't know what that holds or when that's going to happen, but I know it's going to. Maybe that's what God's waiting for. Maybe He is waiting for me to realize that all I need to get out of that hole is Him and he will take care of the rest. Some days it takes that faith... And faith is believing even when you can't see what you believe in. :)
Psalm 27:14 "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."
This scripture couldn't be a better one for me today. :)

1 comment:

Mommy said...

Awww hang in there Sweetie. No you can't do it; that's why Jesus is there. :)

I have had the some of the same struggles. I have found that the pot holes aren't so big anymore.

Jesus will listen to you. He understands. He bore your sorrows on the cross. Not just your sins; but your overwhelming feelings. He *knows*. Isn't that awesome!

Thanks for visiting my blog. You have some cute little guys there. :)