Friday, December 31, 2010

Some Highlights from 2010

This year was hard.  Harder than when we left everything we knew and moved 2000 miles away to Utah.  I would absolutely not like to relive this year again, BUT we had some big things happen and I learned alot.  We moved into a new house on base at the beginning of this year.  We found out we had orders to Dover AFB, Delaware.  Brennan turned 9 and we celebrated at Fat Cats in Ogden.  I saw many many doctors who still can't tell me exactly what is causing all the problems.  I met and got to know some amazing people who I pray stay in my life forever.  Jaxon was put in the hospital for a lot of tests due to his bathroom issues.  I pray that I never have to relive that again.  It was awful!  We found out our orders were cancelled.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster!
I turned 30!  It wasn't so bad. Brennan started 4th grade and it may be the death of me. :)  Sue came to visit in September.  We did some hiking (my first time ever).  Brennan started Cub Scouts as a Webelos.  We went to our first pack meeting and family camp with the scouts.  I didn't spend the night but Ian and Sue did.  They had quite the adventure with the sprinklers coming on right when they were going to bed.  Jaxon turned 4 and we celebrated at the Classic Fun Center with all of his little friends (and a few of mine:)). 
Ian had some major things going on at work that left us wondering where life was going to take us and how we were going to get there! I FINALLY got to finish the Believing God Bible study that I started and didn't get to finish back in 2005 because we moved to Utah.  I joined the military go group from our church and those ladies prayed me through the hardest part of the year.  I am truly grateful. 
Ian and I celebrated our 10th anniversary.  Well we didn't actually celebrate it because so much was going on but it was a milestone! God showed up so big this year in our family that I can't even begin to imagine how He worked it all out.  Ian has been diagnosed with complex sleep apnea and we are currently waiting to see how they are going to be able to treat him for two different types.  Especially when the one thing they were going to do helps one of the types and makes the other worse.  We are gonna be praying through this one too! :)

Some things I am so thankful for as we begin 2011 is my husband, Ian.  No matter how hard things got this year or no matter if we butted heads, he was there.  He worked hard and he showed me that our family is strong.  I love you honey!  My two boys!  I pray that they know how much I love them and how they are the reason I get out of bed every morning.   My church family.  You all walked in my life between 2006 and now and I love you guys more than words can say.  I am also thankful for my friends.  I wouldn't have gotten through 2010 without you.  And the most important thing that I am thankful for and that I learned, is how to truly trust God.  There were moments and days, perhaps even weeks, that I didn't know if I would make it.  But God showed up and held me up, telling me that it was okay to relinquish control because HE has this.  For the amazing grace that He shows me daily, I will continue to be in awe.  2010 wasn't the best year ever but it was a milestone year in so many aspects and for that I will praise my Father in heaven.

I pray that you have peace and know the love our Father has for each and every person this year.  Happy New Year!

Happy Moments; Praise God!
Difficult Moments; Seek God!
Quiet Moments; Worship God!
Painful Moments; Trust God!
Every Moment; Thank God!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Hardly anyone ever reads this

But the one day I am on the edge of losing it, EVERYONE reads it.  What are the stinking odds of that?  Anyway, today I got to drive to the other end of the world, Eagle Mountain :) and visit with my friend Stephanie.  We had lunch at the cheesecake factory and then went to Lifeway.  I was able to get a copy of Elizabeth George's Loving God With All Your Mind and I've already started reading it.  I have a hard time keeping my thoughts from going down the dark path.  A few things that stuck out to me that she writes is:

* "I am fearfully and wonderfully made, no matter what I or others may think about me. (Psalm 139:14)" Let me tell how thankful I am for that reminder.  I am the first to beat myself to a pulp with things I do.  Then I beat myself to a bloody pulp with things other people tell me I am or did.  Eventually that has to stop.  I'm thinking now is the time. If God can forgive me, I should be able to also.

*"He has a grand plan :: and before anyone says it yes I know I said I'm sick of hearing this, but when God tells you, you kind of have to listen, right?:: and purpose for my life, no matter how the present may look (2 Timoth 1:9)."

*"He has given me spiritual gifts that I can use to benefit other believers, no matter how I may be floundering or failing at the moment (1 Corinthians 12:7-11)." Yep, this one speaks to me too. 

*And the one that left me in puddles today "I am always loved and accepted by God, no matter what I experience or who may reject me (Romans 8:35)"  I needed this word today. 

The other positive that happened today that can only be a "God thing" is that I recieved a very sweet note in the mail today that should have arrived last week.  It was exactly what I needed even this morning.  So very thankful for the friend who sent it.

You know my heart isn't hardened and I'm not selfish or ungrateful.  I promise anyone who reads this hear my heart on this.  I am hurting, I am angry.  But not from or at anyone but the Air Force right now.  If I vent on here please take it as just that.  My venting.  I can't promise that I will be all sunshine or rainbows.  I can't promise I wont be a complete and utter disaster.  But know that even when I am at my worst, when I am falling apart, and losing it... It has NOTHING to do with anyone else.  Someone close to me said that it sounded like what I was going through was grief.  And honestly it is.  I am paralyzed with fear at the future right now and I'm not perfect or a rock.  So far from it.  But I am honest with how I feel.  It's how I process and work through it.  Just be patient and don't walk away because even if it seems like I'm pushing you away what I might really be saying is hold me up, don't leave me. I promise I would do the same for you.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Things to NOT say to people going through crisis.

A few years ago when Jaxon was in the NICU there were things that people would say that I would think "are you a complete moron?" When my best friend Leanne had a stroke, I would watch people say things to her and her family that brought up those same feelings.  Last year some friends and I had a fun time posting on our blogs Things you should NEVER say to NICU parents.  Now I'm thinking that there are some things you should NEVER say to peope going through any type of hard time.  Right now my family is in "crisis mode" and I know people are well intentioned and they don't really know what to do or say.  That's okay.  But please look at this list of things and realize they might just drive me over the edge if ONE more person says something like this to me.

1.  Do NOT tell me that God has a plan for me.  I Love my Jesus.  I know what He has done for me.  I know my scriptures and right now Jeremiah 29:11 is one I hold dear.  So please know that I KNOW God has a plan for me and my family.  But having 90 people tell me that does NOT make it better. It does not make the decisions we have to make any easier. 

2.  Please do not ask me how I am doing and expect me to give you the answer you want to hear.  Right now it just isn't going to happen.  Right now if you ask me how I'm doing then be prepared that I could be okay at that moment, angry and I could yell at you, or most likely I was fall apart right there in front of you.  So if this is something you can't handle then I suggest you don't ask. 

3. Do not be a part time friend.  I need love and support right now.  Not someone who only wants to come around for information about whats going on.  Do not facebook me and five seconds later go off line.  Just because you asked how I'm doing doesn't make you a good friend.  A good friend sits with you and listens, understands that you are struggling and aren't at your best right now.  A good friend is okay if all you can do is lay on their bed and cry, or get angry and not say nice things at that moment.  Because they know that it isn't directed at them.  It has NOTHING to do with them. 

4. If you have a similar experience as me or something else someone is going through.  Share your story.  But don't think you understand what I am going through because you sort of had a situation like that.  Just because your baby is in the NICU doesn't mean they almost died!  Just because you had a sick baby, doesn't mean you understand a child with Cerebal Palsy or even worse a baby that has gone home to be with the Lord.  Just because you have a headache, does NOT mean you know what it's like to have a MAJOR stroke and almost die.  Just because you are military doesn't mean you know what MY family is going through right now.  (Yes, some of these things are things that my friends are dealing with or have dealt with and it applies to all of them.)

5. Please do not say let me know if there is anything you need or that I can do and then when I actually ask for something completely ignore me. If you aren't willing to really stand up to that DON'T SAY IT!

6. Things you ABSOLUTELY can do:  PRAY for me and my family.  Hug me when you see me.  It's okay if you don't know what to say, just show that you care. Do call me and say hey lets have a starbucks, or play a game of yahtzee.  Do send me a text that says thinking and/or praying for you.  Do ask if there is anything you can do to relieve the burden.  Even if there isn't, it's nice that you ask. But be prepared to follow through if I say yes.

I'm sure there are other things that should or shouldn't be done but these are the ones that are particularly on my heart right now.  I know that there are good intentions and people don't know what to say in some situations but know thats okay. Just being there, really being there, does more than words ever could!