Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Hardly anyone ever reads this

But the one day I am on the edge of losing it, EVERYONE reads it.  What are the stinking odds of that?  Anyway, today I got to drive to the other end of the world, Eagle Mountain :) and visit with my friend Stephanie.  We had lunch at the cheesecake factory and then went to Lifeway.  I was able to get a copy of Elizabeth George's Loving God With All Your Mind and I've already started reading it.  I have a hard time keeping my thoughts from going down the dark path.  A few things that stuck out to me that she writes is:

* "I am fearfully and wonderfully made, no matter what I or others may think about me. (Psalm 139:14)" Let me tell how thankful I am for that reminder.  I am the first to beat myself to a pulp with things I do.  Then I beat myself to a bloody pulp with things other people tell me I am or did.  Eventually that has to stop.  I'm thinking now is the time. If God can forgive me, I should be able to also.

*"He has a grand plan :: and before anyone says it yes I know I said I'm sick of hearing this, but when God tells you, you kind of have to listen, right?:: and purpose for my life, no matter how the present may look (2 Timoth 1:9)."

*"He has given me spiritual gifts that I can use to benefit other believers, no matter how I may be floundering or failing at the moment (1 Corinthians 12:7-11)." Yep, this one speaks to me too. 

*And the one that left me in puddles today "I am always loved and accepted by God, no matter what I experience or who may reject me (Romans 8:35)"  I needed this word today. 

The other positive that happened today that can only be a "God thing" is that I recieved a very sweet note in the mail today that should have arrived last week.  It was exactly what I needed even this morning.  So very thankful for the friend who sent it.

You know my heart isn't hardened and I'm not selfish or ungrateful.  I promise anyone who reads this hear my heart on this.  I am hurting, I am angry.  But not from or at anyone but the Air Force right now.  If I vent on here please take it as just that.  My venting.  I can't promise that I will be all sunshine or rainbows.  I can't promise I wont be a complete and utter disaster.  But know that even when I am at my worst, when I am falling apart, and losing it... It has NOTHING to do with anyone else.  Someone close to me said that it sounded like what I was going through was grief.  And honestly it is.  I am paralyzed with fear at the future right now and I'm not perfect or a rock.  So far from it.  But I am honest with how I feel.  It's how I process and work through it.  Just be patient and don't walk away because even if it seems like I'm pushing you away what I might really be saying is hold me up, don't leave me. I promise I would do the same for you.

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