Monday, December 6, 2010

Things to NOT say to people going through crisis.

A few years ago when Jaxon was in the NICU there were things that people would say that I would think "are you a complete moron?" When my best friend Leanne had a stroke, I would watch people say things to her and her family that brought up those same feelings.  Last year some friends and I had a fun time posting on our blogs Things you should NEVER say to NICU parents.  Now I'm thinking that there are some things you should NEVER say to peope going through any type of hard time.  Right now my family is in "crisis mode" and I know people are well intentioned and they don't really know what to do or say.  That's okay.  But please look at this list of things and realize they might just drive me over the edge if ONE more person says something like this to me.

1.  Do NOT tell me that God has a plan for me.  I Love my Jesus.  I know what He has done for me.  I know my scriptures and right now Jeremiah 29:11 is one I hold dear.  So please know that I KNOW God has a plan for me and my family.  But having 90 people tell me that does NOT make it better. It does not make the decisions we have to make any easier. 

2.  Please do not ask me how I am doing and expect me to give you the answer you want to hear.  Right now it just isn't going to happen.  Right now if you ask me how I'm doing then be prepared that I could be okay at that moment, angry and I could yell at you, or most likely I was fall apart right there in front of you.  So if this is something you can't handle then I suggest you don't ask. 

3. Do not be a part time friend.  I need love and support right now.  Not someone who only wants to come around for information about whats going on.  Do not facebook me and five seconds later go off line.  Just because you asked how I'm doing doesn't make you a good friend.  A good friend sits with you and listens, understands that you are struggling and aren't at your best right now.  A good friend is okay if all you can do is lay on their bed and cry, or get angry and not say nice things at that moment.  Because they know that it isn't directed at them.  It has NOTHING to do with them. 

4. If you have a similar experience as me or something else someone is going through.  Share your story.  But don't think you understand what I am going through because you sort of had a situation like that.  Just because your baby is in the NICU doesn't mean they almost died!  Just because you had a sick baby, doesn't mean you understand a child with Cerebal Palsy or even worse a baby that has gone home to be with the Lord.  Just because you have a headache, does NOT mean you know what it's like to have a MAJOR stroke and almost die.  Just because you are military doesn't mean you know what MY family is going through right now.  (Yes, some of these things are things that my friends are dealing with or have dealt with and it applies to all of them.)

5. Please do not say let me know if there is anything you need or that I can do and then when I actually ask for something completely ignore me. If you aren't willing to really stand up to that DON'T SAY IT!

6. Things you ABSOLUTELY can do:  PRAY for me and my family.  Hug me when you see me.  It's okay if you don't know what to say, just show that you care. Do call me and say hey lets have a starbucks, or play a game of yahtzee.  Do send me a text that says thinking and/or praying for you.  Do ask if there is anything you can do to relieve the burden.  Even if there isn't, it's nice that you ask. But be prepared to follow through if I say yes.

I'm sure there are other things that should or shouldn't be done but these are the ones that are particularly on my heart right now.  I know that there are good intentions and people don't know what to say in some situations but know thats okay. Just being there, really being there, does more than words ever could! 

1 comment:

Jaclyn and Devan Swallom said...

I agree.... I found your blog while Googling St. Marks NICU. My twins are currently in there. I have a Jaxon too btw. :D