Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The light at the end of the tunnel...

You know those moments when you are coming up on the end of something and you can see it but it is still so far away?  Like you are in a tunnel and you can finally see the light but it's still a mile or so down the road.  That is how my life feels right now.  My life is the long winding tunnel that's been enclosed for the last 2 and a half years.  I can finally see the light at the end of it, but it's still so far away.  I just need to be honest for a minute and say that I am exhausted.  Like mentally, physically and emotionally.  Ya'll my hair is tired, ok?  That is how tired I am!  I feel like I've hit this burn out wall and I KNOW that I will make it.  I KNOW that I need to keep going.  I am just super struggling to do so at the moment.  I feel like between the end of this semester and the craziness of the divorce mixed with the rest of my life that there are moments I just want to call it a day.  I gave it all a good try right? 

My divorce will be finalized in January.  (Lord, please no more curve balls ok?) I know that is next month but STILL.  It just seems so far away still.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but my emotional capacity to handle anymore crap that is coming out of it, is so far beyond the line that it isn't even funny. 

Graduation is in May!  May 6th to be exact!  I just have to get through ONE MORE semester that includes my student teaching.  I can do this right?!  I can rock my student teaching and graduate, proud of what I accomplished.  I seriously went to school the entire time my marriage has been in transition.  I started wondering how I managed to make it through the last 2 years and I can honestly tell you that it wasn't by myself. 

Even though I let someone convince me for so long that God couldn't love me because I was getting a divorce, I know without a doubt.  He never left me.  He was right there the whole time, waiting for me to realize that He was my Father and His arms were waiting.  Pastor Perry at New Spring spoke to my heart and I felt like he was talking to me face to face, one on one looking directly into my soul saying "God may hate divorce, but HE DOESN'T HATE YOU!"  Something broke in me that day!  Not in a bad way.  I needed those words like I need water to survive.

Second, my boys. 
Oh goodness you guys!  These boys are my reason for waking up every day and dragging my exhausted butt out of bed.  They are my world and I will always keep going because of them.  They are worth it!  They are worth my hard work, my exhaustion, the tears, the worry, the love.  They are worth everything I have to give.  I am a lucky mama don't you think?

Third, the amount of love and support that has been poured out on me and the boys.  Some days I feel all alone because this divorce and single mom stuff is hard.  But then there are days that I can FEEL the prayers and love like you wouldn't believe.  Whether it's a silly snap chat with my girlfriend Andi or a Facebook message with any of my amazing friends out of state like Anna, Allison, Celest, Brenda just to name a few.  There are many more.  And those here at home that make checking on me regularly a priority.  Amanda for going to the gym with me, texting me every day and hunting me down in Walmart just to hug me.  Erica for our pedicure and Mexican nights and everyday laughs at work.  Susan for being an awesome sister and even though she is busy with her own life, still makes time to check on her little sister pretty often.  Olga for being a soft place to land for so many years!  Miranda for understanding exactly what my life is like and never making me feel like I'm not trying my best and for her honesty.  Erin for being my partner in crime in scouting and things that shall not be named.  Kara for being the other mom to my son and always being willing to Netflix and wine with me.  :) Sheri for being a HUGE help with Jaxon and being such a sweet friend.  Chelsey for your silliness and encouragement.  Chrissy for being an INSPIRATION and huge supporter of my weightloss and workout goals.  The Bazzle Bodies fit fam... I never expected you ladies but I am so thankful for you! My cub scout family... you make my life so much more enjoyable!

There are so many more but I am writing a novel at this point!  My point in this post is I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm tired and burn out but I'll keep going.  Sometimes you just need to stop and take stock of what you are working toward and for and who is rallied behind you.  I will keep going!  I'm almost there after all!

Friday, November 20, 2015

It's been a while...

Wow I can't believe I haven't written anything on here in almost 2 years!  I used to write so often.  I used to keep such good track of what was going on in life.  I guess for the most part some days feel like they never end!  Life for the last two years have been INSANE!  Major life changing events!  Like so big that I still can't wrap my head around everything.  How does life get so hard and so crazy and you not be able to keep up?  Well, that's how it has felt.  So a little update on what has been going on with me since I last wrote.

  • Ian and I separated.  After 13 years of marriage, we called it quits.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made.  It got to the point that I either stayed where I was and gave up on everything or choose to give up my marriage and save my life.  My thought was that my kids needed me more than he ever had or would.  That was a hard realization to come to.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  I loved him more than anything, but I knew that he never looked at me or felt that way about me.  I always tried to convince myself that he did in his own way, but it was denial.  We are still not divorced yet but we are so close to it being done.  Just waiting on his attorney to let us know if they agreed to the changes in the final agreement.  This whole thing has taught me so much, especially about myself.  The good thing that has come out of all of this, is that I know 100 percent that I can survive.  I am surviving!

  • I went back to school!  Crazy I know!  35 years old and back in college!  It's been so challenging but so rewarding at the same time.  I am going back to school for Early Childhood Development.  I actually want to teach kindergarten!  Who knew! I am so close to the finish line for my Associates!  Only 6 more months of school!  ONE semester left! 

  • In January of this year, I moved into a place of my own.  I haven't had my own place since I got out of high school and I had an apartment in Downtown Charleston.  It was so scary!  At first I would lay awake at night and wonder how I was going to make it work.  I would get up often to check on the kids. On nights they were at Ian's, I wouldn't sleep at all.  It took some getting used to but I did.

  • I weighed myself in January at 230 lbs.  I knew I was depressed and needed to get it together!  I started to eat better and tried to move more but I wasn't working out.  In April, after seeing one of my dear childhood friends lose an amazing amount of weight and transform herself, I knew I needed that.  I had a consultation with her trainer (Kim from Bazzle Bodies).  At my consultation, I weighed in at 215.  So I lost 15 lbs on my own.  I hadn't seen under 200 lbs since I had Brennan.   Then began seeing Laurie from Bazzle Bodies twice a week.  I was soooo out of shape.  It hurt so bad and I cried a lot.  I lost 10 lbs in the first month.  I only went to the gym when I had training sessions.  I had no motivation except when she was with me.  But I did start seeing results and I realized I was pushing myself past a new limit each time.  Every time I thought I was going to die, I survived.  In May, Laurie took "before" pictures.  I never saw them.  I cried the day that she took them.  I knew I wasn't happy with the way I looked.  Every time I cried, I wiped my tears and kept going.  It's November now and at my last weigh in I was at 188.  Yesterday, Kim wanted all the Bazzle Bodies clients to post throw back Thursday pictures of our before and afters.  I asked Laurie for mine.  I had no intention of posting them.  I put the before picture in a side by side collage next to a picture I had taken at the end of October after I had gotten home from the gym.  I cried.  The progress was there!  Right there in front of my eyes, I could see my hard work paying off! 

Anyway, there has been a ton more but those are the ones that are the most impactful since the last time I wrote.  It's been a crazy ride but I'm proud to say I am making it out on the other side of another year! 

Blessings, Denise